the story of my life.

blogging is definitely one of the better assignments i’ve had in my english class, if not school, period.  It is nothing like anything else assigned because it is actually about me, myself, and i.  when i blog i can write about my feelings, i can choose to be creative or i can choose to slack of and just write something completely useless and random.  after this class i actually decided that i do like to blog, i don’t know if i’ll ever do it again, i have my own ways of letting out my feelings, but if i ever do blog again i know that i won’t mind it at all.  with blogging i can choose to let you into my life or i can choose to create a completely new character.  with blogging i can show you my feelings or i can hide them even further.  with blogging i can show you each and every one of my sides or i can be one dimensional.  with blogging i can open up to the rest of the world or i can close myself up and become a hermit.  with blogging i can become batman or i can become the joker.  with blogging i can act god or i can act satan. with blogging i can commit crimes or i can solve murders.  with blogging i can be me or i can be myself. with blogging i can either show you the story of my life or i can actually become the story of my life.

allapologies.

my creativity has an infinite amount of triggers, loving art i can find almost anything to give me inspiration, but i think i can narrow it down to three triggers.  melancholy, love of life, and love of love.

all apologies is a song that kurt cobain wrote, but it also symbolizes my melancholy stages.  sometimes i get lost in regret and my past, i remember my past lives and how i have messed each and every one of them in one way or another.  sometimes i remember different goals and dreams i had and how i can now never reach them.  sometimes i remember myold days in high school and i regret not going for it, whatever that may be..  sometimes i just plain get lost in melancholy.

everything zen is a song by a band called bush, but it also symbolizes my love of life.  i love everything about life.  the anger, the pain, the the death, the innocence, teh purity, the ambition, the love, the hate, the indifference, everything about this life is amazing because being alive is a miracle all of itself. 

beautiful decay and beautiful disaster are two phrases that i have come to love, to me, they symbolize the beauty of life and the beauty of love respectively.  beautiful decay symbolizes the beauty of life because it symbolizes the paradox of live, from the moment we are born we are closer and closer to death, or decay, everything around us (including ourselves) can die at any moment, and that makes life so beautiful to me.  like robin williams said “carpe diem”.  and beautiful disaster symbolizes my love of love because i know that love is not eternal, nothing gold will ever remain. 

allapologies makes me draw, paint, write.

everythingzen makes me love to draw, paint, write.

beautifuldisaster makes me love.

beautifuldecay is my lifestory.

bella.

my favorite movie, as of now, is a movie called bella.

i don’t really want to give a summary of it because maybe one of you might actually read the movie, but i do want to talk about the theme.

the movies has several different subjects, it delves into subjects as diverse and, well, diversity, different cultures, family, drugs, abortion, and single parenthood.  But the main theme of the movie is redemption.  And i think that is why this movie is my favorite movie of all time.  I mean we all have that one moment in our lives (or two, or three, or…) that, every once in a while, we remember every once in a while and we would change if we could.  And if you guys don’t, well i definitely do.  I have plenty of moments in my life that i look back at and i wish i could have done something different.  I have some much regret i literally have nightmares sometimes, but this movie shows how even though someone can never take back his life, he can still find a way to redeem himself.  This movie is my favorite movie ever because it gives me hope, and not too many movies do that.  It’s just a good feeling for me to know that i can still live my life, regardless of my past mistakes, regardless of my wrong doings, or i guess i could say, regardless of the sins i have committed, i can still hope to redeem myself in the eyes of the world.

Matthew Perry glides endlessly..

he eats ice cream majestically.

Matthew Perry gathers flowers softly..

he eats ice cream peacefully.

Matthew Perry mixed alcohol softly..

he smells scrumptuous, luckily.

Matthew Perry tolerates stupidity..

he states his mind quickly.

Matthew Perry pimps his car rigorously..

he struts, seemingly.

Matthew Perry glides, endlessly.

The Heart of Life

“Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won’t all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good”

I heard an old joke once that went something like this: “if you want to make the gods laugh, tell them your plans”.  The joke might have not been exactly that, but well, i think that you get my point.  Life isn’t always what we want it to be, and just like John Mayer says in the song “The Heart Of Life”, “bad news never [has] good timing”.  The thing we need to remember though, is that life keeps going, regardless of what goes according to plan and what doesn’t, regardless of what diversity we have to face, regardless of the many problems that we face, life always goes on.  A problem is either going to get solved or it isn’t, there are no other possibilities.  Either i’ll be happy with an outcome or i wont.  So why worry about it, that is the one thing i have to not stress out, i remember that it’s completely pointless to stress, so i don’t.  The way i see it, life really always does go on, and if it doesn’t, well then i’m dead, no use worrying and stressing about anything then. 

I don’t really stress, and i don’t really understand how i don’t, but i just don’e.  I do notice that so many people around me stress, but i just don’t understand how, so i have no idea how to help someone to not stress.  Just live your life, that’s what i do.  I just keep going.

losing my religion

waking up: tupac shakur- ambitionz as a rider. i do like rap, so i needed one or two rap songs, and what better way to start the soundtrack of my life than with tupac?

first day of School:the ramones- i wanna be sedated. well i’ve always hated going to class, i love learning but not class, so this song is perfect, i just want to be sedated.

falling in love:eve 6- here’s to the nights: “here’s to the nights we felt alive…here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry…here’s to goodbye …tomorrow’s gonna come too soon”. love is going to hurt, it always does, but i want to feel alive, i want to love in the here and now regardless of tomorrow.

Fight Song: the clash version- i fought the law. the song is just a classic.

Breaking Up: +44- make you smile. the song is my favorite by this band, it’s a duet but at the same time it’s more than that, they are having a conversation. it’s a great break up song because it describes how different people can feel towards the exact same situation, it shows how people can break apart so easily, even when it’s not their intention.
prom:blink 182- going away to college. blink is a classic from my generation, haha, it just is. but this song is just so simple, it’s great.  it talks about skipping class to go watch the girls play soccer, did it. it talks about being awkward and clumsy with girls, did it. it talks about being scared of going off to college, did it. it’s about a teenage boy being a teenage boy, it’s practically written about my past experiences.

life:sufjan stevens- chicago. depending on my many moods this song can have different meanings, but i love each and every one just as much.  i love this song. i choose this song as my life’s song for a reason.
mental breakdown:rem- losing my religion. “…every whisper of every waking hour I’m Choosing my confessions… i’m losing my religion…”. this song symbolizes losing faith in oneself. symbolizes regret, and how life can drive me insane if i just focus on my regrets and mistakes.
 
driving:lynyrd skynyrd- free bird. another classic. but it does always remind me of the end of the movie “the devil’s rejects”.

flashback:smashing pumpkins version- landslide. “mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above, can I sail through the changing ocean tides, can I handle the seasons of my life..”the lyrics to this song, any version, bring me to a sense of melancholy every single time.  i just love the lyrics.

Wedding:howie day- collide. this is not the usual cheesy love song (not that i don’t love air supply, because i do!!!) but it’s a lot more introspective. to me, it’s about two opposites that seem to clash at everything, two people that don’t seem right for each other, about two people who will not ever work out together, but for whatever reason something about them collides, they collide. this is what the best love stories are about, two people that just seem to crash into each others lives, not because they are perfect for each other or anything like that, but just because they find a way to collide with each other over and over again.
Birth Of Child:live- lightining crashes. “Lightning crashes, a new mother cries…The angel opens her eyes… Lightning crashes, an old mother dies… Her intentions fall to the floor… The angel closes her eyes… The confusion that was hers belongs now, to the baby down the hall”. This song, to me, is about the events of a hospital on a rainy night, in one hall an old mother is dying but on an other a new angel is born. This song is perfect for child birth because if brings hope.

Final Battle:johnny cash- man in black. not so much final battle as the battle of my life. i don’t like too much country, but johnny cash is so much more than just country, he is a great storyteller and songwriter. i love the emotion he puts into this song.
death scene:bob dylan- blowing in the wind. a nice way to say the cliche: only God can judge me (even though i don’t believe in a god, haha)… but anyway, bob dylan just has the amazing ability of storytelling and songwriting, beautiful lyrics.

funeral song:james taylor- fire and rain. this song always makes me break into tears.

end credits:t.i. dead and gone. just wanted to end my soundtrack with whay i started, hip hop.  this song has great lyrics though, it’s about a boy maturing  into a man and realizing that all his actions have consequences… plus i love the beat.

sick sick sick

so my best friend (lily ann’s father, if anyone’s bothered to read any other blog) is moving into his own house and just the other day i really was “cleaning house” and helping him pack.  but anyway, we found an old design/ drawing of mine..

the design was, well if i’m going to try to define it in anyway, it was graffiti.  it was the word “sick” done in a simple lettering style, nothing fancy but enough to attract attention.  but the beautiful thing about it though, at least to me, was the background design, the word was “enclosed” behind a broken square and each piece of the square had a design made of hundreds of lines (i know this explanation makes no sense, but i am trying).  one of the letters though, had part of the design withing it, the I.  Within the design withing the I though, was another design, a hidden design, a demon.  (the drawing is not as complex as i’m making it sound it’s just too hard to explain art.)

but anyway, the design symbolized my state of mind at the time, that is what brought along such melancholy when i saw it.  at the time i just felt such “sickness” in my head, i felt like my “demons” were driving me crazy.  i actually remember listening to a song by cheap sex at the time (an undergound punk band…) that had the lyrics “if society doesn’t kill me, it’ll be my mind”. 

finding that design and cleaning house actually felt to me like i was remembering a past life, i was remembering a different today, i different tomorrow, a different dream.  it was extremely surreal.

i don’t want to die in my sleep

when i was younger i was a lot more naive than i am now, i thought i was so cool calling myself a punk and an anarchist, not knowing anything behind the actual political philosophy of anarchism, using it as an excuse to skip class, vandalize, and just act like a, well, a punk.  i’m happy to say though, i have changed, and i hope in a good way.

there is one thing though, that has not changed since then, i still hope to make a difference in this world.  i really don’t want to die in my sleep, i would love to be a photo journalist and travel around the world, i would love to document the injustices that are happening all around us and i would love to help raise awareness.  when i finish school i want to get on my motorcycle, bring along a journal, a camera, and maybe a guitar, and travel south, and keep traveling until i hit the tip of south america. (ok ok, so maybe i am a little naive, and maybe that isn’t even an original idea, but at least i have a dream.) i would love to travel to africa and help teach.  travel to asia and help in any way i can.  i really just want to find a way to make a difference in someone elses life.

to quote two greats, “you can kill me, for i am just a man” [but you can't kill the revolution], by “che” guevara (who else?) and “a coward dies a million deaths, i hero dies but once”, by tupac shakur.

takeawaymyselfdestruction

i don’t know about you, but when it comes to me, i have varying degrees of self-destruct, i don’t just have one mode.  and not only that, but depending on my moods or my triggers i have varying degrees of different types of self-destruct.  actually, to keep this introduction short, let’s just say that self destruct is my specialty.

this is not even my worst moment of self destruction, but it is one that i am willing to share.  as of now i don’t do drugs, and by drugs i mean any type of drugs, whether they be narcotics, prescription pills, over-the-counter pills, “herbs”, haha, anything, and i don’t drink.  but as i’m sure you’ve noticed, i said as of now..

well, i don’t even remember what triggered my actions this particular day, and to be honest i don’t really remember what actually happened, i just remember the beginning and i remember the pictures of the end..  i remember the bottle of jack daniels in my left hand (because jack is the only thing i ever drank, well jack and everclear; no beer for me, thank you), and i remember the cigarette in my right hand, but most of all i remember the lines in the table in front of me.  And about those lines, they weren’t even coke lines, they were lines of crushed up pills, they might have been vicadin, I’m not quite sure anymore.. but anyway, i chugged some jack, i snorted the lines (all of them), i took more jack, i smoked a cigarette, and then… ha ha, well that’s what i remember.  the next night i did the same exact thing, and the next night.  and well, all i have to show for that are several pictures of me passed out.  me passed out on the couch, me passed out on the kitchen table, me passed out on the floor, me passed out in the restroom, me passed out everywhere but my bed..

[my self-destruct modes have gotten pretty bad in the past, and i still seem to hit self-destruct every once in a while, but i definitely am clean now, no more substance abuse, of any kind.]

An Allegory of Love

Somehow, I, vandal, nihilism, anarchy, contempt, have fallen for the one thing I have sworn to hate, true beauty, the purity of life, the innocence of nature, the beauty of the sea.

Oh, Rachel Sea, I vanish every time i feel your presence around me. If I were brave enough, I, vandal, would tell you, Rachel Sea, how I feel about you.

I, vandal, would tell you that I first started falling for you when I felt your intense rays of light, your golden-haired beauty, the reflective ray in which I get tangled in.

I, vandal, would tell you that I have felt passionate about the intensity with which you live your life, the life swimming all around you, clinging to your deep waters for support.  The life showing through from your unfathomably complex eyes.  The color of your waters, baby blue, the color of beauty itself.

I, vandal, dream of swimming in your deep blue waters, of floating on your grace, of losing myself between your mountains, of drowning myself in your depths, thoughts.

If I, vandal, were brave enough I would tell you, Rachel Sea, that you are the most intense beauty I have ever seen, you are leagues away from me, a world apart. And I know that with you, Rachel, seasick I would be.  But I, vandal, would rather drown in your forever than remain by your coast, side, you forever unaware of my feelings.

But I, vandal, will forever remain by your coast, Rachel, season after season, year after year, because I, vandal, will never be brave.